Conversations Backstage at a Comedy Club Where Important Historical Figures Regularly Perform

“I’ve worked with Adolf. I mean, sure, he’s a blowhard, but that’s his character. He’s actually a pretty sweet guy. And talk about captivating a crowd.”

“Napoleon really crushed it at the Store the other night. He’s got ten minutes on petite-length men’s pants that destroy.”

“I don’t really get Marie Curie? Like, she’s smart, sure, and she’s got a fan base, but I don’t find her funny. She’s got a deal with HBO. So, we’ll see, I guess.”

“Who’s Churchill with? UTA? Come on, that’s insane. He’s been telling the same jokes for like 90 years. Most of those he ripped off from famous generals.”

“The Roosevelts dropped in and hung out in the green room. So cool, man. FDR gave me a few good tags on my polio bit.”

“Pretty sure Amelia Earhart’s a lesbian. I tried picking her up and she wasn’t having it, just sat in a dark corner with Annie Oakley all night.”

“I worked the road with Jesus back in the day. Talk about a grind. Ok, son of G-d, fine, do we really need 12 dudes in the condo with us? Mary Magdalene can hang, though.”

“Cleopatra is one of the best out there. Everyone wants to say she’s just a pretty face, but her writing’s tight and she crushes every time.”

“Go back and watch George Washington Carver’s special at the Apollo in ’78 and tell me he’s not a genius.”

“Oh Lincoln…buddy! He needs to remember he’s not giving battlefield speeches and punch it up a bit. Is that his real voice, or is it a gag?”

“Alexander the Great…I’m over it. Fine, your schtick was funny in 300 BC but you can’t call yourself ‘The Great’ and then do hacky bits about gays in the military in 2016.”

“Queen Victoria needs to retire already – she’s full fruit-loops. Fine, we get it, you hate sex – but could you try to make it funny or whatever?”

“Have you seen Charlemagne’s shit? His crowd work is insane. He can spot a Bavarian from ten rows back.”

“I haven’t worked with Ford but I hear he’s a bit precious about his openers. Like, god forbid you have a joke about cars, inventions…he made John Dodge cut half the jokes from his set.”

“Ever notice the clubs never put Genghis and Ghandhi on the same lineup? That’s fucked, right? They’re nothing alike.”

“Washington walked four full tables the other night, he wouldn’t stop with the cherry tree stuff. We get it man, that was all on your last album!”

“Do NOT ask Lizzy Borden what it’s like to be a woman in a male-dominated industry. She’ll practically chop your head off. I mean, literally. Literally-literally.”

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