A Manual For The Passive Aggressive Host

  1. Roll your eyes every time you mention any other houseguest you have ever had.
  2. Have a stunningly decorated yet intensely uncomfortable guest room.
  3. Set a timer to go off every fifteen minutes, this is how often you should casually mention how terribly expensive it is to live in your (neighborhood, city, country) this is called the Pomodoro Method because heirloom tomatoes are $29/ounce at your local farmers market.
  4. Make the “fun joke” about how houseguests are like fish at least four times.
  5. Have a cat, it helps if the cat is prone to mad dash escape attempts at the hint of an open door or window. Have no properly functional door or window latches. Leave the guest alone with the cat immediately after their arrival and arrange for multiple deliveries to come. It should also probably be a rescue cat with a “lil pee-pee problem”.
  6. Take them to a local brunch place and tell them it’s the best in your area, but actually take them to the third best brunch place with exceptionally long, undeserved wait times and surly servers.
  7. Four words: one ply toilet paper.
  8. Have a set of “decorative” soaps in the guest bathroom. Also inform your guest that the hand towels, bath towels, shower and toilet are also “decorative”.
  9. Leave a window open on your laptop at all times showing what comparable apartments in your building go for on Airbnb.
  10. Give your guests a caddy to put their toiletries in, like fancier ladies at the gym do. Anytime you see their toothbrush out of the caddy, run to locate the caddy. Yes, even even if they are actively brushing their teeth.
  11. Call from work to tell them how awful your job is and also how long it’s been since you’ve taken time off. Casually ask if they mind giving your dog his butt medicine.
  12. Don’t be shy about mentioning how much time and effort you’ve spent to get rid of bed bugs recently.
  13. Don’t have a spare key, thus requiring your guest just do feats of scheduling contortion every time they need to come or go. Bonus points for each of the following: key fob entry, cruel and suspicious security staff, a buzzer code that goes to your chatty ex-roommates phone, doors that require a key to enter and to exit, unusual work shifts which require your guest to leave with you in the early morning or to stay out all night until you’re back.
  14. One word: hemlock.
  15. Use your guests visit as a great opportunity to replace all the beams in your entire home. Casually ask them to casually shingle the roof with you.
  16. “Accidentally” invite your mother-in-law to stay at the same time, insist your guest stay with you, sleep in the guest room with MIL and start calling houseguest “Dad – I mean, sorry – Steve”.

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