Reasons I might as well have a baby

  1. My body is already flappy and floppy from a 150lb weight loss, this is the perfect time to let a growing entity invade (lots of skin room for expansion).
  2. I’m unemployed so I don’t really have too much else going on right now.
  3. Everyone with kids tells me I don’t know what true love is until I have a baby. V curious what real love is like, so.
  4. I have two dogs who will totally help raise it by licking it nonstop and also barking when it gets close to a hot stove or set of stairs or whatever.
  5. I got married so I have a wife now who will probably hold or change the baby sometimes.
  6. I’ve been catching up on my sleep lately which will be perfect for when I go months on end without sleeping.
  7. I already hate everything so post-baby grumpiness shouldn’t change my outlook too much.
  8. I don’t really like social obligations or anything outside of my apartment anyway.
  9. Already on lots of meds in advance of the inevitable post-partum.
  10. I can’t do anything or go anywhere because of the dogs anyway, so I might as well saddle myself with another reason to never go anywhere or do anything.
  11. I already own a couple of “World’s Greatest Dad” mugs.
  12. An infant would really perk up my SnapChat presence.
  13. I was a pretty cute baby so my baby would probably be pretty cute.
  14. I could teach the baby how to steal wallets and we could start a real Dickensian pickpocket outfit.
  15. I know a couple lullabies.

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