Things I am able to do consistently:

  • breathe
  • sleep
  • complain
  • complain about my sleep
  • drink coffee
  • be annoyed with my dogs
  • check Twitter
  • watch Netflix
  • read wizard books
  • stub my toe on the same goddamn part of the couch every fucking time
  • aimlessly search for my keys
  • grumble that I can’t find my ┬ásunglasses
  • pee; poo
  • reading about makeup
  • order Uber Eats in a fit of pique
  • argue
  • purchase and drink half of a bottle of Vitamin Water Zero
  • talk about going on a trip to Europe
  • start and never finish a crochet project
  • start a job application and finish when I need to copy my resume over into some little boxes
  • get my shirt wet on the edge of the sink every single time I wash my hands or the dishes
  • suffer from Lynch-ian dreams
  • fart
  • laugh at farts
  • fart-laugh because I am laughing so hard at a fart
  • tweet about fart-laughing
  • Visit Marshalls for the sole purpose of smelling scented candles
  • complain that I wish I had a wine
  • SnapChat my face or my dogs’ faces

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