Truthful Toronto “Alternative” Media Headlines

“The top 400 festivals that will make your cab rides very expensive this summer”

“The 48 hottest new restaurants that will close before you realize they aren’t still a Coffee Time”

“The top ten coolest construction projects that will ruin your life but will allow investment buyers to make millions”

Hamilton may come to Toronto; will soon after become uncool like everything else that comes to Toronto”

“The top 58 hot unique businesses that are 100% rip-offs of successful businesses in NYC  from eight years ago”

“The top 80 restaurants that take a food and turn it into another, different food”

“22 Southern-style restaurants made by people who have never been South of Buffalo in their horrible little lives (The secret ingredient is liquid smoke)”

“The coolest food trucks not allowed to drive the city streets so they just park in a weird alley all the time”

“This restaurant is garbage but they give you a cup of homemade mayo so we gave it 5 stars”

“48 5-star Fringe plays that have friends of mine in it”

“The hottest 25 year old artists that I am trying to bone by featuring them in a listicle”

“10 amazing art exhibits you will only check out if your aunt comes to town”

“899 Craft beers that all taste like goat pee”

“Ontario wines that are delicious if you are already blackout drunk”

“Comedy shows you MUST see; by a guy desperate to be booked on these comedy shows”

“Overhyped white 28 year old man is overhyped; once said something vaguely charming (cover story)”

“Concerts coming to town you can in no way afford with your Temp job pay.”

“Here is an advertorial about a 2 million dollar home no one in our readership could ever afford, as sponsored by our only paying advertiser, a real estate company”

“Something happened in City Council and unless it’s about bikes none of you douchebags are going to read past the headline”

 

 

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