Today is a most honored holiday in my life, the birthday of my life and adventure and romance partner Danz. If you’ve met her for even a minute you know she’s amazing.
Honestly, I wish people would tell me something else some time. I’m like “Hey how’s it going?” and everyone’s all “Danz is a miracle and a blessing and so funny.” And then in the grocery store I’m like, “Can you pass me that melon?” and the clerk is like “Your wife is a dream and you aren’t good enough for her.” Jeeze guys, I get it. She’s amazing. Thank you. But also, calm down and let me sing her praises for a bit. k?
Because I am very big on lists I thought I would make a list of reasons why Danz is a gift and a treasure and her birthday is the most beautiful holiday of all:
- Danz is the funniest person I know. Some people say that about their dullard spouses because love is blind, whatever. In my case, this is utterly true. Every single day we laugh like idiots, usually because Danz has said or done something so funny I can’t believe it. This is not limited to funny songs, characters and legitimately adorable misunderstandings. One time we were stuck in traffic in Ottawa for like half an hour, so we just put on some wigs and started having a great time. I laughed so hard I almost peed in my pants…stuck in traffic.
- Danz has the soul of a poet and a true gift with language. She will turn a phrase in a casual conversation sometimes that will stick with me through the rest of the week.
- Danz has a huge heart especially when it comes to vulnerable people and animals. We recently watched a nature show where these baby birds (Hawks? Puffins? the fuck if I know) had to learn to fly by literally hurling themselves down a set of cliffs. Meanwhile Danz was literally SCREAMING, “Noooooooooo!” Every. Single. Time. One of these baby birds chucked its dumb squishy baby bird body down the cliff and bounced all the way down, floppy and seemingly lifeless. Every bounce was like torture to her – her concern was real and earnest and heartfelt. I cried laughing until I actually couldn’t breathe, because I have almost no soul.
- Danz loves our dogs so incredibly and fiercely it makes me feel like a bad person because honestly some days I am like, “Ok yes they are cute, but also pretty annoying”. Every time we see a cute little boy or girl, she whispers to me “Look at that little Monty/Peggy!” Sometimes it’s actually a horse or a donkey or a velociraptor in the movie Jurassic World, but without fail if we’re gone for more than 20 minutes, she will sigh and say, “I miss the dogs.”
- Danz is incredibly hard working and dedicated to anything/person/job/team she’s committed herself to. She has an encyclopedic knowledge on any number of subjects she’s interested in, and is so dedicated to learning and improving and growing all the time.
- Danz has the best list of crushes past and present I have ever heard of. This includes: a younger, more troubled Robert Downey J; Oprah; one of the women from the Weather Network; Chelsea Handler; me (?!); 50 Cent; some Blue Jay named Donaldson; and an older female French Canadian pundit whose name eludes me right now. The point being, Danz appreciates humans in all of their nuances and difference.
- Danz does things that drive me crazy but I can’t help but also find them endearing. Danz talks in her sleep, usually about the most boring things you could imagine (when she worked at an organizational store, she would tell me things like “Ok I will help you in one second, I just have to put these boxes in these other boxes”). She’s also a night-eater, and for someone who is slow to anger I’ve never seen her more mad than if you try to keep her from night-eating what she calls her “creations” (usually involving a “plop of peanut butter and jam”, “a splash of almond milk and some cream” and a bunch of other liquids that are not usually considered snacks unto themselves).
- Danz appreciates the little things. Sometimes we’ll be driving alongside a body of water like Lake Ontario, and she’ll sign contentedly, “Ugh. Look at that shade of blue. Gorgeous, gorgeous.” Nothing makes her happy than a pleasant vista of trees up ahead on the road, or a pumpkin patch, or sometimes even just a nicely colored bit of evening sky. The same is true for other simple pleasures: a tiny sip of almond milk; the way the underside of Peggy’s paws look; a particularly soft pair of pants; a nibble of pizza crust she’s saved in a napkin and put in her pocket for “later” (later being two seconds after we exit the pizza place).
- Danz tells the best stories, in part because she is truly a weirdo and in part because she can capture a moment in such a perfect way. While I often tease her (“great story babe”) if she starts a rambling description of something, I actually love it. From the confusing opening (“I used to have this grandma…”) to the confusing twists and turns, all the way to the endearing ending, Danz spins a yarn like no other.
- She’s simply the cutest. Come on!
Happy birthday my sweet love! May this year bring everything you wish for.